CDC Now Recommends Wearing a Seat Belt Even When You’re Outside the Car

Spread the Word

via: The Babylon Bee

ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.

“This guidance is especially important if you’re in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event,” said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. “Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!”

When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that’s not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying “SHUT UP IT’S SCIENCE!”

The Federal Government has responded with a nationwide seat belt order for all public parks, buildings, and sidewalks.

“I don’t know what’s so hard about this,” said Biden as his aides handed him a juice boxand tightened his 5-point harness. “Just wear the dang seatbelt folks!”

Bob’s Quality Seat Belt Company concurred with the CDC findings and confirmed that new “outdoor seatbelts” are now on sale for $59.99.

What a deal!

Text may contain traces of satire.

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3 years ago

Why are ppl accepting this crap excuse my language but I guess I have read enough just enough of the crap they’re coming out with. O did I just say “they” … the crap is coming from the AntiMessiah do ppl know that? I bet many do not & those doing this sewer job are his minions. So who are we going to fight? Really speaking “we can’t” bcoz the evil is too strong. So we need to pray seriously, fervently The Imprecatory Prayers to our Messiah Yahusha for only He knows how to break/punish them with His violent & fiery wrath. I sincerely pray He returns soon.